


To Dust We Shall Return

by 1in5billion



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24079351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1in5billion/pseuds/1in5billion
Summary: Post-Return of the Jedi, Leia struggles with her past.
Relationships: Leia Organa/Han Solo
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	To Dust We Shall Return

You may fire when ready.  
Alderaan is peaceful, we have no weapons.  
You may fire when ready.  
Alderaan is peaceful, we have no weapons.  
You may fire when ready.

* * *

“Leia. Leia. LEIA.”  


Her heart rate sped up as she jolted awake at Han’s touch. He was gentle, as always, but every one of her nerves was bracing for an attack.  


“Are you okay?”  


She had worried him. Exactly what she had been trying to avoid, but when her subconscious caused the problems, there was no way of controlling it. Force or no Force. She was defenseless, the more deeply she slept.  


“I’m fine. Go back to sleep.”  


“No, no, I’m up now.”  


He continued to stare at her, clearly trying to communicate something. There was something he didn’t want to tell her. Something that would upset her if she knew about it. Something she had been trying to stop. But that was the irony about trying to keep things from happening. The harder you tried to stop them, the more they made their presence known.  


“You were saying ‘Alderaan.’”  


Leia noticed that the sleep was gone from Han’s voice. How long had he been awake? How long had he been trying to wake her?  


“I’ve been shaking you for a few minutes.”  


For someone who wasn’t—or so he claimed—Force sensitive, he was one hell of a mind reader.  


“It’s nothing. Go back to sleep,” Leia repeated, clearly lying through her teeth, but desperate to keep Han from going out of his mind worrying about her.  


“Don’t shut me out,” he said softly, tapping on her forehead gently with one finger. “What’s going on up there?”  


Leia looked into his eyes. The honest answer was there, on the edge of every thought she’d had since the first time he’d asked her about starting a family.  


She had been enthusiastic at first. He would be an incredible father. Luke would be an uncle. They could raise their children to be politicians or rebels or pilots or whatever they set their minds toward. They would be the most supportive parents in the galaxy. There would be no competition. But she could not bear the thought of bringing into a child into the world knowing she and Han could leave it at any moment, should disaster strike.  


When she had first joined the rebellion Bail and Breha Organa were safe on Alderaan. She was not quite an adult, but not a child, determined to prove the leadership skills she had been polishing for as long as she could remember. She was also a princess—too important to miss out on missions for the rebellion, but the most dangerous person to lose. Her safety was a priority every time. Every time, she pushed her limits farther and farther—but every time, she came home to her mother’s arms and her father’s encouragement.  


Her last goodbye to them was moments before her escape with the rebel plans. She had been captured on her father’s ship. At some point, the ship had to have been brought back to him without her on it. She had done her duty—she stored the Death Star plans deep enough in R2-D2’s memory systems that only a handful of people would know how to get it out. She was supposed to get in, complete the mission, and get back to safety. Bail and Breha weren’t alive to hear that she made it out. They worried about her until the day they died. They never learned that she was safe. They knew what occurred on the Death Star on a regular basis. Their best guess about their daughter was that she was being tortured for information. If she was lucky, she was still alive, but it was not likely.  


There were so many questions Leia wanted to ask them. She wanted to know if they knew about Luke. She wanted to take Han home to meet them, and show him the mountain ranges around the palace. She wanted a home for her children. But it was gone. Her parents were gone. And it was all her fault for not being strong enough to resist Vader, not being clever enough to give him a better answer about where the rebels were in hiding. She as good as killed them.  


How, then, could she look at Han, the man who turned his entire life around to love her better, and tell him she didn’t want a family with him because maybe, in some twisted circumstances, their lives could be in danger?  


Deep in her own head, it made perfect sense. Why bring a child into this world if that child could get captured and be forced to watch as the planet she and Han were on exploded into too many pieces to put back together? Why would she let her child spend the rest of their life warped by guilt of their deaths? Who would wish nightmares of a planet shattering on a child?  


But…as Han would always remind her…things were different. The Empire was gone. The Death Star—both of them—suffered the same fate Alderaan had. In the end, the dark side had gotten exactly what they had dished out. Leia was the only person she knew still living in paralyzing fear of the unknown. Still having unsettlingly realistic nightmares about the past.  


“If this is about what I think it’s about,” Han said softly, “no rush. We have all the time in the world.”  


Leia settled herself back into his arms. She was just stubborn enough to have been content to stay awake for the remainder of the day instead of allowing herself to go back to sleep, but he was so safe and warm. She could stay curled up right where she was forever. They fit like puzzle pieces.  


“I don’t know why I can’t let it go,” she said into his chest.  


“It wasn’t your fault,” he said. “Do you hear me? None of this was your fault.”


End file.
